Peace....
This word has been on my mind....
Inner peace is such a personal thing. We find peace in so many different things as humans. My peace is walking through a forest. Hiking with my kids or friends or loved ones. Or hiking alone.
Or my inner peace is realizing way deep down that I am exactly where I need to be.
Here's how I got to that point. And it was a journey, my friends. And is STILL a journey.
Up until about 2006 or so, I didn't really think about my health at all. I did here and there, and watched what I ate every so often, but I was naturally tall and thin, so it was no concern to me. Something I always took for granted.
In 2005 I had my beautiful daughter, and then in 2006, my handsome son. I had gained a bit of weight during pregnancy (don't we all!), so I decided to put an exercise plan in place. Started unofficially doing Weight Watchers. I was on my way.
That year following (2007) ended up being a very very devastatingly hard year for me. And that isn't exaggerating. Not even close to exaggerating. I dealt with post-partum depression, and without going into detail, had the hardest year in terms of close relationships I have ever had - I felt betrayed and hurt by someone very close to me. Some friends quickly exited my life as they had no idea how to deal with me because I was enabling and they didn't agree with me, and some people I very swiftly pushed away. I dove into fitness like it was all I personally had to hold on to. I ran outside every single day, exercised multiple times a day, and ate perfectly in terms of the Weight Watchers plan.
And I lost weight. Fast.
I am 5'9'' and if I remember right, I got to 127lbs. (this is actually considered 'underweight' on the BMI scale). I look at pictures of myself then and I can't believe how skinny I look.
And all I can see is sadness on my face. Even my smiles for pictures look fake.
I exercised so that I could gain love.
I exercised so that I would be accepted.
I exercised to get my mind off everything else around me.
And this wasn't healthy.
I ended up going to counseling for the first time in my life - at first not really wanting to, but after I came to the conclusion that yes, I had post-partum, and yes, I was pushing everyone away, I knew I needed it. I went on post-partum meds, continued to go to counselling, and starting adding people back into my life.
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I had a child after that in 2009 and obviously gained weight back during my pregnancy. But with a new mindset, this was okay. And a good place to start in terms of losing it the right way. I am by no means perfect - I don't pretend to be - but I now understand the value of balance. Sometimes I don't exercise or have quality 'me time' because of family or other responsibilities, but I keep at it. And make good decisions where I can in terms of my health.
The following years were very tough and in hindsight, I am seeing were very unhealthy for me - in mind, spirit, and body. After finishing my schooling through NAIT I was hired on with the City of Edmonton (who I had wanted to work for so badly!) and started training.
But I just went through the motions.
In my relationships. In my job. In everything around me.
And it became too much.
If I ever share about mental health, it isn't because I'm any kind of expert. I pull information from the experts and properly cite them. Because I'm no professional in that area.
But, I lived it.
Panic. Anxiety. Shame. Depression. Sometimes still.
But...healing as well.
I always wanted to know what peace felt like. How it would feel to love myself. Love my surroundings. Feel okay with who I was deep down.
I am now divorced, following a few very hard years - life doesn't always end up how you think it will. Relationships are always a bit harder because of my past, but then again - you learn how to be in something healthy bit by bit after you've been in something unhealthy for so long. And it's definitely been a journey with ups and downs, but again, that's life - you live and you learn a ton along the way! I have had an amazing counselor along the way and many loved ones who have helped me. In 2018 I had one more child and am single parenting as I go. And am still working through this thing called life. And finding so many people who whole-heartedly love me for EXACTLY who I am - not who I will become - not who I am if I change a few things - EXACTLY who I am.
And oh man is it freeing. And I'm loving every minute of it, because I have nothing to prove. They push me, but don't try to change me.
And I now understand the value of peace.
Being at peace with yourself. Not to say that I don't want to improve myself - mind, body and soul - but loving myself and moving forward in THAT mindset. Accepting that I will make mistakes along the way, but forgiving myself. Always moving forward.
Being at peace with my life circumstances. Even when life isn't exactly how I would like it to be, just accepting and working on making it better. And not shutting people out. Allowing toxic relationships to become distant, and inviting positive healthy people in to my circle. Sometimes I wonder how my life could have been blessed back then if I hadn't shut people out....
I guess I just wanted to share a bit about myself.
And show you that everyone has a journey.
And to show you that you can find strength to get through any situation. You know you can.
And to show you that there is value in friendships and love around you. Accept it and it may be the one thing you can cling to when life gets rough.
I wish for you today peace and love.
And strength for your journey in life.
One of the biggest reasons that people stray from their fitness/health goals is that life gets in the way.
My thought for you though is that there will always be something, either big or small, that will be in the way.
You can do this. I promise.
No matter what's going on,
You're stronger than you think